Developmental Perspective

Early Adulthood

Parenting is a lifelong task. You are still a key person in your child’s life through late adolescence and early adulthood. Some people describe adolescence as continuing until your child is 30! This often speaks to the experience of an older child who is beginning his first fulltime job or is attending a post-high-school educational institution. Late adolescents frequently rely on the stability of home and parental guidance to help them make the leap into greater independence, more serious love relationships, and greater responsibility.

Finding independence

The transition to college or a fulltime job is often challenging. Your child is being assessed by a new, different, or more demanding set of expectations. These may include reliability, good humor, and good decision-making at a job or higher academic standards and time-management skills at college. Transitions are always complicated and often stir up doubts. “Am I able to do a good enough job to satisfy my boss?” “Am I smart enough to be here?” “Do these new people like and respect me?” When facing new challenges it is nice to be able to return to a safe home base.

If you have a newly diagnosed cancer or if your medical situation is changing, it is especially hard for your child to leave home with a sense of security. By talking openly about your illness, establishing a plan for sharing information, and recognizing that your young adult child may need to check in more often, you can facilitate a more secure transition.

Parenting tips

• A serious romantic relationship may be even more intense and important to your older adolescent in light of the emotional challenges of your illness. Early relationships are often intense, and frequently are not long lasting. Parents will want to check in about how the relationship is working out and offer additional support if things are rocky.
• You cannot choose your child’s relationships, but you can help your young adult child learn from them. Use the lessons learned from your illness to highlight the qualities you hope your child’s ultimate partner will embody. Many of the best characteristics of loving adults are illustrated when a family member faces the complex challenges of illness and treatment.
• Your young adult child needs the facts about your medical status, including both what is known and what is unpredictable. When you share this information, you allow your child to make informed choices that will support her ability to cope.
• Avoid the temptation to delay honesty. Do not make the mistake of shielding an older adolescent from information until he has made an important life decision such as which college to attend or which job offer to accept. Decisions made without consideration of the parent’s medical status deny the child the opportunity to make a choice that permits easier visits home or to question a prospective employer about job flexibility and travel.
• Communication is important. If your young adult child is not living at home, you may need to utilize additional modes of communication such as e-mail, scheduled phone calls, and parent-child dinners—either in your neighborhood or your child’s.
• Talk with your young adult child about financial matters. At this age, your child should be learning about adult financial issues. Being open about the financial impact of your illness on your family and what your child can expect and what will not be possible enables long-term planning.
• Be aware of your older child’s role with younger siblings. Your young adult child will need permission to engage fully in challenges of his own, without feeling this is selfish. At the same time, exploring ways he can continue to provide emotional support to his younger siblings is a powerful message about love and responsibility within a family.